Student Not From Chicago Area Experiences Discrimination

In an incident that has become far too common, a Freshman resident of St. Edward's Hall was verbally and psychologically abused by a group of student for not being "from around Chicago."

The victim is from Cleveland.

"It was pretty awful," said Drew Barty, a witness, "making fun of his parents, his clothes. Although, they were struggling to come up with a catchy name to call him. Non-Chicagoan? Doesn't really work."

It only got worse from there. Proclamations of Chicago as the greatest city in the world and "Go Cubs Go" chants threatened to rise to physical violence until an unidentified good Samaritan asked the offenders to recall the regular season record of last year's Chicago Cubs baseball team. No one could, and the group dispersed.

Many have speculated that the rise of such incidents are rooted in the lack of actual minorities in attendance at Notre Dame.

"I mean, who else are we gonna mess with? As long as it ain't me, I'm cool with it. Go Cubbies!" said an anonymous source.

Because of such behavior, many are now dubiously claiming to be from Chicago. One South Bend native was overheard to be saying she was from Chicago in a class's requisite introduction session.

Still, the discrimination worsens as "out" non-Chicago natives become more of a minority.

"It's truly a shame," said Eugene Stupinsky, an English professor based out of Chicago, "Chicago's a great city, and they're just giving it a bad name. I just wish those assholes were from, like, Boston or somewhere."

Notre Dame Students Drink Alcoholic Beverages

In news that has shocked the administration, the campus newspaper The Observer, and the students themselves, a recent survey conducted by THE DOMER has revealed that a majority of students at the University of Notre Dame consume alcoholic beverages.

"We knew it!" a contributor to the comic strip The Mobile Party told The Domer. "We were so pumped that it was actually true or our comic strips wouldn't make sense. Domers drink! It's hilarious! It's basically the crux of our humor."

Indeed, the writers of The Mobile Party were not the only ones who had sneaking suspicions.

"My friends would always sneak off to go 'off-campus'," said Michelle Bear, a Sophomore. "They said they were just playing Scrabble, but I know they hate Scrabble as much as I do."

And the prevalence of alcohol consumption may not be limited to students at Notre Dame. At the time this story went to print, THE DOMER is still conducting an investigation into the presumed alcohol consumption of college students in general, though conclusive evidence confirming or denying this has not been found.

Fervent Pro-Obama Student Falls Asleep During Speech

It was a day he would never forget. The President of the United States was speaking at his college graduation. But not just any president, President Obama, the first African-American president, one of the great public speakers of our time. Unfortunately, Notre Dame alumnus Anthony Wilkins could not avoid falling asleep during President Obama's speech

"I've spent every waking hour writing letters in support, counter-protesting, arguing against people who wanted to ruin MY graduation, etc. that I was just dead tired by the time commencement rolled around," said Mr. Wilkins. "The last thing I heard was the Bookstore Basketball quip, and then I was out like a light until they called my name."

Obama's speech was, as usual, a memorable and well-reasoned one, honoring Notre Dame's President Emeritus Father Ted Hesburgh, promoting "fair-minded words" in the abortion debate, and supporting the University's stature as a leading moral, educational, and ethical institution in the world.

Said Mr. Wilkins, "Fucking sucks that I missed it."

Students Returning Home Realize No One Cares About Notre Dame's Commencement

After living in the maelstrom of controversy surrounding Notre Dame's commencement, students returning home expected to be able to proudly fend off constant questions and hold their own in arguments both for and against President Obama's invitation to speak.

Yet, upon returning home, every Notre Dame student was struck with a harsh realization: no one in the real world cared.

"I had all my talking points lined up, prepared for anyone to ask me about what I thought," said Sandra Carrigan, a sophomore in Breen-Phillips. "But no one ever asked. It seemed like they didn't even know about it."

And they didn't. An informal poll conducted by The Domer has established that only 1 out of 20 non-Notre Dame students knew about Obama speaking at the university's commencement.

"Even after I brought it up, they didn't seem to care," said Ms. Carrigan. "But I argued with them about it anyway. I didn't want all my hard work to go to waste."

'Abortion Plane' Completes Bombing Runs on Campus

The colloquially named "Abortion Plane" has just completed a series of bombing runs on the campus of Notre Dame in which it dropped hundreds of fetuses on the grounds below.

The plane, hired by radical anti-abortionist Randall Terry, had been circling campus for weeks trailing a banner picturing a fetus aborted at 10 weeks. From the ground, however, many said the banner resembled a picture of a delicious bowl of spaghetti.

"He was angered by all the mocking of his masterwork," said Ignacio Gimpi, a spokesman of Mr. Terry, "he wanted to do something they would never mistake for a bowl of spaghetti."

When asked how Mr. Terry was able to procure all of those fetuses, the spokesman had no comment.

Senior Graduates Without Ever Entering Library

Senior Andy Barnham was able to graduate the University of Notre Dame in December without once setting foot inside the library, a spokesman of the student said.

"He graduated in December with a respectable 3.2 GPA, and never once entered the Hesburgh Library," said the spokesman, "not to research, not to study, not to meet friends, not even to check out a book for leisure reading."

The Hesburgh Library proudly stands tall on campus with the Touchdown Jesus mural adorning its side. It is a campus landmark, among the locations which visitors first recognize and tour.

Said the spokesman, "It was just too far away for Mr. Barnham. Besides, the internet has everything you need."

It is speculated that Barnham did most of his research on Wikipedia.

Freshman Roommates Bond Over Shared Pet Ownership

It started out as most roommate relationships do: awkward. But it wasn't long until Lewis resident Tina McMullin asked her roommate, Megan Lampley, the question that broke the ice.

"'So do you have any pets?' is all it took," said Ms. McMullin, "from then on, I knew we would be inseperable."

Tina and Megan spent the next five hours relating stories about current pets, past pets, relative's pets, neighbor's pets, and pets of friends.

"Oh my God, I love pets," said Ms. Lampley. "I told Tina this one story about how my dog Sparky, he was this lab I had when I was like 6. Anyway, we took him to the lake. While my family went swimming, he took all our clothes and hid them in the woods. It was so bad."

Stories like this one were traded late into the night until a firm roommate relationship was guaranteed.

Said Ms. Lampley, "Oh my God, I love animals, and I love my pets. I just don't know what I would do without them. Oh my God. I'm just, like, so glad my roommate feels the same way. Oh my God."