Student Not From Chicago Area Experiences Discrimination

In an incident that has become far too common, a Freshman resident of St. Edward's Hall was verbally and psychologically abused by a group of student for not being "from around Chicago."

The victim is from Cleveland.

"It was pretty awful," said Drew Barty, a witness, "making fun of his parents, his clothes. Although, they were struggling to come up with a catchy name to call him. Non-Chicagoan? Doesn't really work."

It only got worse from there. Proclamations of Chicago as the greatest city in the world and "Go Cubs Go" chants threatened to rise to physical violence until an unidentified good Samaritan asked the offenders to recall the regular season record of last year's Chicago Cubs baseball team. No one could, and the group dispersed.

Many have speculated that the rise of such incidents are rooted in the lack of actual minorities in attendance at Notre Dame.

"I mean, who else are we gonna mess with? As long as it ain't me, I'm cool with it. Go Cubbies!" said an anonymous source.

Because of such behavior, many are now dubiously claiming to be from Chicago. One South Bend native was overheard to be saying she was from Chicago in a class's requisite introduction session.

Still, the discrimination worsens as "out" non-Chicago natives become more of a minority.

"It's truly a shame," said Eugene Stupinsky, an English professor based out of Chicago, "Chicago's a great city, and they're just giving it a bad name. I just wish those assholes were from, like, Boston or somewhere."

Notre Dame Students Drink Alcoholic Beverages

In news that has shocked the administration, the campus newspaper The Observer, and the students themselves, a recent survey conducted by THE DOMER has revealed that a majority of students at the University of Notre Dame consume alcoholic beverages.

"We knew it!" a contributor to the comic strip The Mobile Party told The Domer. "We were so pumped that it was actually true or our comic strips wouldn't make sense. Domers drink! It's hilarious! It's basically the crux of our humor."

Indeed, the writers of The Mobile Party were not the only ones who had sneaking suspicions.

"My friends would always sneak off to go 'off-campus'," said Michelle Bear, a Sophomore. "They said they were just playing Scrabble, but I know they hate Scrabble as much as I do."

And the prevalence of alcohol consumption may not be limited to students at Notre Dame. At the time this story went to print, THE DOMER is still conducting an investigation into the presumed alcohol consumption of college students in general, though conclusive evidence confirming or denying this has not been found.

Fervent Pro-Obama Student Falls Asleep During Speech

It was a day he would never forget. The President of the United States was speaking at his college graduation. But not just any president, President Obama, the first African-American president, one of the great public speakers of our time. Unfortunately, Notre Dame alumnus Anthony Wilkins could not avoid falling asleep during President Obama's speech

"I've spent every waking hour writing letters in support, counter-protesting, arguing against people who wanted to ruin MY graduation, etc. that I was just dead tired by the time commencement rolled around," said Mr. Wilkins. "The last thing I heard was the Bookstore Basketball quip, and then I was out like a light until they called my name."

Obama's speech was, as usual, a memorable and well-reasoned one, honoring Notre Dame's President Emeritus Father Ted Hesburgh, promoting "fair-minded words" in the abortion debate, and supporting the University's stature as a leading moral, educational, and ethical institution in the world.

Said Mr. Wilkins, "Fucking sucks that I missed it."

Students Returning Home Realize No One Cares About Notre Dame's Commencement

After living in the maelstrom of controversy surrounding Notre Dame's commencement, students returning home expected to be able to proudly fend off constant questions and hold their own in arguments both for and against President Obama's invitation to speak.

Yet, upon returning home, every Notre Dame student was struck with a harsh realization: no one in the real world cared.

"I had all my talking points lined up, prepared for anyone to ask me about what I thought," said Sandra Carrigan, a sophomore in Breen-Phillips. "But no one ever asked. It seemed like they didn't even know about it."

And they didn't. An informal poll conducted by The Domer has established that only 1 out of 20 non-Notre Dame students knew about Obama speaking at the university's commencement.

"Even after I brought it up, they didn't seem to care," said Ms. Carrigan. "But I argued with them about it anyway. I didn't want all my hard work to go to waste."

'Abortion Plane' Completes Bombing Runs on Campus

The colloquially named "Abortion Plane" has just completed a series of bombing runs on the campus of Notre Dame in which it dropped hundreds of fetuses on the grounds below.

The plane, hired by radical anti-abortionist Randall Terry, had been circling campus for weeks trailing a banner picturing a fetus aborted at 10 weeks. From the ground, however, many said the banner resembled a picture of a delicious bowl of spaghetti.

"He was angered by all the mocking of his masterwork," said Ignacio Gimpi, a spokesman of Mr. Terry, "he wanted to do something they would never mistake for a bowl of spaghetti."

When asked how Mr. Terry was able to procure all of those fetuses, the spokesman had no comment.

Senior Graduates Without Ever Entering Library

Senior Andy Barnham was able to graduate the University of Notre Dame in December without once setting foot inside the library, a spokesman of the student said.

"He graduated in December with a respectable 3.2 GPA, and never once entered the Hesburgh Library," said the spokesman, "not to research, not to study, not to meet friends, not even to check out a book for leisure reading."

The Hesburgh Library proudly stands tall on campus with the Touchdown Jesus mural adorning its side. It is a campus landmark, among the locations which visitors first recognize and tour.

Said the spokesman, "It was just too far away for Mr. Barnham. Besides, the internet has everything you need."

It is speculated that Barnham did most of his research on Wikipedia.

Freshman Roommates Bond Over Shared Pet Ownership

It started out as most roommate relationships do: awkward. But it wasn't long until Lewis resident Tina McMullin asked her roommate, Megan Lampley, the question that broke the ice.

"'So do you have any pets?' is all it took," said Ms. McMullin, "from then on, I knew we would be inseperable."

Tina and Megan spent the next five hours relating stories about current pets, past pets, relative's pets, neighbor's pets, and pets of friends.

"Oh my God, I love pets," said Ms. Lampley. "I told Tina this one story about how my dog Sparky, he was this lab I had when I was like 6. Anyway, we took him to the lake. While my family went swimming, he took all our clothes and hid them in the woods. It was so bad."

Stories like this one were traded late into the night until a firm roommate relationship was guaranteed.

Said Ms. Lampley, "Oh my God, I love animals, and I love my pets. I just don't know what I would do without them. Oh my God. I'm just, like, so glad my roommate feels the same way. Oh my God."

Weis' Contract Buyout Requires Too Much Gravy

Gravy is not an uncommon term for money, but imagine the surprise of the lawyers of the University of Notre Dame when they found out that Charlie Weis' coaching contract called for $10 million in actual gravy.

"We though he was just being funny," said Abe Steinberger, a representative of the university's lawyers, "you know, one of his 'New Jerseyisms. Turns out, he actually wanted gravy."

After Notre Dame football's disappointing 6-6 showing this season, the University seriously looked at options for letting Weis go. They came across this contract term when assessing the financial possiblities for a buyout of Weis' contract.

"Turns out he actually wanted gravy. Pork gravy, white gravy, red eye gravy, it doesn't matter. He wants $10 million of it," said Steinberger. "He's a clever guy. We have the money, but there's no way we can get all that gravy to him at once. You can be sure we won't let this one get past us again."

Weis was unavailable for comment.

Syracuse Defeats Notre Dame, 24-23

No, really.

Senior Stays Awake in Philosophy Class for the First Time All Semester

Brian Larson, a senior living off campus, stayed awake for an entire Philosophy class period for the first time this semester. The course, Hermeneutics and Literary Theory, has been able to put Mr. Larson to sleep within 10 minutes for the entire semester.

"I don't know what happened," Mr. Larson said, "I didn't even make a conscious effort to stay up. It just happened."

Mr. Larson was able to not only stay awake, but also contribute to the discussion on Wilhelm Dilthey's broadening of Hermeneutics. He was also able to make important corrections on his classmates' misconceptions of Heidegger's stance on the practice of Hermeneutics.

"Yeah, my classmates are a bunch of idiots," said Larson. "Maybe that's why I always fall asleep, to avoid the idiocy."

When asked how he felt about his experiece, Larson simply said, "Eh, I don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon."

Op-Ed: It's So Freaking Cold Outside by James McHugh

Dude, it's fucking freezing outside. Have you even been outside lately? Colder than a witch's titty in a brass brassiere. Damn.

They expect us to go to class in this shit. Woke up this morning and checked weather.com. It was 25 freaking degrees. I have to walk all the way to Flanner. Are you kidding me? I'll die, man. I have to walk across the wind tunnel that is South Quad, it's not even right.

And this snow, man. What the hell is lake effect snow? We're not even that near the lakes. Hell, Chicago is ON the lake and doesn't get as much snow. I call bullshit on the lake effect crap.

The worst part, the absolute worst part is that when the cold comes, I'll never see an attractive female for months, cause here comes the sweatpants and Uggs. Seriously, ladies, it's cold for everyone, do you see us guys trying to pull off the worst fashion combination since Flock of Seagulls haircuts and members only jackets? Didn't think so.

Oh well, only six more months of Winter. I hate this place.

This Article Contains Words, The Observer Reports

In a show of exhaustive research and tireless reporting, James Heinz of Notre Dame's independent newspaper The Observer is reporting that this article does in fact contain words.

"It was startling to me," Heinz said in an exclusive interview with The Domer after the article's publication, "but it is plain as day and in front of our very eyes. I wondered how it took so long for us to finally see it."

When asked how long Heinz had been researching for his extensive report, Heinz simply said that this was a career breaker. "I had used so many resources and so much time on this that if it didn't work out, who knows what would have happened. I'd be out of a job that's for sure."

Fortunately, that was not to be for our intrepid reporter. Through a proud smile, Heinz was finally able to say, "Front page of The Observer. Not bad, not bad at all."

Freshman Does Cheers Improperly

All was not well at yesterday’s rousing victory over San Diego State. Freshman Cody Banks, a Baltimore native and St. Edward’s Hall resident, messed up on several cheers. Witnesses say the most blatant mistakes were seen during the “Celtic Chant.” Fellow section member Anna Naylor noted that “the dude couldn’t get it straight. You always end with your right arm in the air. How hard is that to remember?” Banks also slipped up on the “Rakes of Mallow” dance and that one where you say “Suck it.” He plans to sit out the Michigan game this coming weekend so that he can practice his form from the privacy of his dorm room.

Line Rage Manifests as Congestion in Dining Halls Increase

Line rage has become an increasing threat upon visits to either of the two dining halls as congestion has gone up the first two weeks of classes. Just yesterday, as many as 7 incidents were unofficially reported to The Domer.

"I saw some guy just bulldoze through the line just to get some chicken wings," said Angelina Duffy of Lewis Hall. "Of course no one stood up to him, this is Notre Dame."

"Yeah, I fucking cut line all the time. At Subway, at Reckers, at the dining hall," revealed a source who wished to stay anonymous, "no one does shit around here. Welcome to the real world, bitches."

Unless congestion in the dining halls is somehow improved, especially at peak hours, it seems the incidents will only increase in number and severity. "I just don't understand it," said Ms. Duffy, "I totally don't mind waiting 30 minutes for some flank steak."

Freshman Gives Wrong Directions to Visitor

Upon being asked for directions to the bookstore for the first time in her college career, Sharon Crawford panicked and gave incorrect directions to a visitor.

"Well, I didn't want to look bad and admit I didn't know, so I pointed that way," said Sharon, pointing in the direction of the Stepan Center. The Stepan Center is on the exact opposite side of campus. "I hope he made it alright."

Despite panicking under the pressure, and refusing to admit fault, Sharon is confident that the next time will not have the same result. "I'm excited," Sharon said. "I'm studying the map just in case."

When asked if she would admit ignorance in the future, Sharon was aghast, "No way! The guy probably thought I was a senior! Don't I look like it?"

Op-Ed: What's Up With These ND Prudes, Bra? (by Brian Dorsett)

Dude, I’m telling you—I wrecked so many chicks in high school. But I got not a lick of poon last weekend. What the hell is wrong with these Notre Dame ice queens?

No joke, I must’ve slain an average of three bitties a month back in high school. I don’t know if they just loved the Bri-meister’s dongle or if it was something in the Cali water, but my pussy magnet is no longer operational.

Case in point. This one girl on Friday was absolutely tanked, and she said she wanted to come back to good ol’ 126 Sorin to look at my DVD collection. I know, right? That’s code for “Do me.” But no. She saw my copy of The Life Aquatic and started talking about how much she loved Wes Anderson. She bolted at midnight and said we should meet for dinner at SDH some time. What the fuck?! I was expecting at least a beej.

The Huddle might as well have a two-for-one deal on Jergens and Kleenex. God, I can’t wait ‘til fall break.

Domer Offices Attacked By Wild Echidna

In an unforeseen and near-deadly incident, the offices of The Domer were attacked by a wild echidna last Friday. The echidna, along with the platypus, is a monotreme, that is, a mammal that lays eggs.

"Um, well, I don't even know what to say about it," says Smith Evans, Animal Exterminator, "I've never seen one of these in my life, and here it was just chawin on some computer cable."

"I was running for my life when I saw that thing," says Jim Sluggo, a Domer intern, "fuck all if I knew it was, it was spiny and waddling my way. They don't pay me enough for this shit."

While the echidna threat was being eradicated, the offices of The Domer were shut down.

"They destroyed a lot of drafts and material," says Sluggo, "but we should be up and running on a regular schedule now that the building is open. Excuse me, Mr. Digital wants his Natty."

Bands Announced for The Show 2008

The Show committee for 2008 has announced the bands for this year's annual concert: washed up pop-punk band Good Charlotte and random hip-hop duo The Cool Kids. According to an email, The Show committee "strongly believes this is one of the best line-ups in the history of The Show". Hard to believe since Good Charlotte does not have a hit YouTube video.

Jeanine Chen, spokesperson for The Show committee, believes bringing Good Charlotte is a step forward from bringing a band like Third Eye Blind to Notre Dame, "Hey, at least they've had a hit in the last decade."

As for The Cool Kids, "Who? Oh yeah, well, I'm pretty sure we could slip in Thelonious Monk as a hip-hop act and no one would notice."

Student Decides to Attend University

After taking an unscheduled week of classes off, Keith Straka, a resident of Alumni Hall, has decided to attend the University once again.

"Well, I didn't go to class for a week, but I woke up Monday and decided that I would try the going to college thing once again," said Keith when questioned about his decision.

Keith spent the week off catching up on his Netflix backlog, watching tv, and sleeping. "There were a few days in there where I didn't leave my room," said Keith. "It felt empowering to make that kind of decision."

His roommate, Steven Henry, was less supportive of his decision. "I appreciate what he did," he said, "but I'm glad he's finally fucking leaving the room. It's my turn to sit around bare-assed all day watching Dirty Sexy Money."

Man Swears Off Alcohol, Recants

This past weekend, off-campus senior Craig Spitz vowed to never drink again. His oath was made after a particularly heinous night of drinking, in which he says he must have had “like, at least 40 beers and a shitload of jungle juice. Oh, and like a half a handle of Jager.”

Friday night, Spitz was seen breaking his promise. He has plans to do it again on Saturday.