Senior Andy Barnham was able to graduate the University of Notre Dame in December without once setting foot inside the library, a spokesman of the student said.
"He graduated in December with a respectable 3.2 GPA, and never once entered the Hesburgh Library," said the spokesman, "not to research, not to study, not to meet friends, not even to check out a book for leisure reading."
The Hesburgh Library proudly stands tall on campus with the Touchdown Jesus mural adorning its side. It is a campus landmark, among the locations which visitors first recognize and tour.
Said the spokesman, "It was just too far away for Mr. Barnham. Besides, the internet has everything you need."
It is speculated that Barnham did most of his research on Wikipedia.
29 January 2009
03 January 2009
Freshman Roommates Bond Over Shared Pet Ownership
It started out as most roommate relationships do: awkward. But it wasn't long until Lewis resident Tina McMullin asked her roommate, Megan Lampley, the question that broke the ice.
"'So do you have any pets?' is all it took," said Ms. McMullin, "from then on, I knew we would be inseperable."
Tina and Megan spent the next five hours relating stories about current pets, past pets, relative's pets, neighbor's pets, and pets of friends.
"Oh my God, I love pets," said Ms. Lampley. "I told Tina this one story about how my dog Sparky, he was this lab I had when I was like 6. Anyway, we took him to the lake. While my family went swimming, he took all our clothes and hid them in the woods. It was so bad."
Stories like this one were traded late into the night until a firm roommate relationship was guaranteed.
Said Ms. Lampley, "Oh my God, I love animals, and I love my pets. I just don't know what I would do without them. Oh my God. I'm just, like, so glad my roommate feels the same way. Oh my God."
"'So do you have any pets?' is all it took," said Ms. McMullin, "from then on, I knew we would be inseperable."
Tina and Megan spent the next five hours relating stories about current pets, past pets, relative's pets, neighbor's pets, and pets of friends.
"Oh my God, I love pets," said Ms. Lampley. "I told Tina this one story about how my dog Sparky, he was this lab I had when I was like 6. Anyway, we took him to the lake. While my family went swimming, he took all our clothes and hid them in the woods. It was so bad."
Stories like this one were traded late into the night until a firm roommate relationship was guaranteed.
Said Ms. Lampley, "Oh my God, I love animals, and I love my pets. I just don't know what I would do without them. Oh my God. I'm just, like, so glad my roommate feels the same way. Oh my God."
04 December 2008
Weis' Contract Buyout Requires Too Much Gravy
Gravy is not an uncommon term for money, but imagine the surprise of the lawyers of the University of Notre Dame when they found out that Charlie Weis' coaching contract called for $10 million in actual gravy.
"We though he was just being funny," said Abe Steinberger, a representative of the university's lawyers, "you know, one of his 'New Jerseyisms. Turns out, he actually wanted gravy."
After Notre Dame football's disappointing 6-6 showing this season, the University seriously looked at options for letting Weis go. They came across this contract term when assessing the financial possiblities for a buyout of Weis' contract.
"Turns out he actually wanted gravy. Pork gravy, white gravy, red eye gravy, it doesn't matter. He wants $10 million of it," said Steinberger. "He's a clever guy. We have the money, but there's no way we can get all that gravy to him at once. You can be sure we won't let this one get past us again."
Weis was unavailable for comment.
"We though he was just being funny," said Abe Steinberger, a representative of the university's lawyers, "you know, one of his 'New Jerseyisms. Turns out, he actually wanted gravy."
After Notre Dame football's disappointing 6-6 showing this season, the University seriously looked at options for letting Weis go. They came across this contract term when assessing the financial possiblities for a buyout of Weis' contract.
"Turns out he actually wanted gravy. Pork gravy, white gravy, red eye gravy, it doesn't matter. He wants $10 million of it," said Steinberger. "He's a clever guy. We have the money, but there's no way we can get all that gravy to him at once. You can be sure we won't let this one get past us again."
Weis was unavailable for comment.
23 November 2008
19 November 2008
Senior Stays Awake in Philosophy Class for the First Time All Semester
Brian Larson, a senior living off campus, stayed awake for an entire Philosophy class period for the first time this semester. The course, Hermeneutics and Literary Theory, has been able to put Mr. Larson to sleep within 10 minutes for the entire semester.
"I don't know what happened," Mr. Larson said, "I didn't even make a conscious effort to stay up. It just happened."
Mr. Larson was able to not only stay awake, but also contribute to the discussion on Wilhelm Dilthey's broadening of Hermeneutics. He was also able to make important corrections on his classmates' misconceptions of Heidegger's stance on the practice of Hermeneutics.
"Yeah, my classmates are a bunch of idiots," said Larson. "Maybe that's why I always fall asleep, to avoid the idiocy."
When asked how he felt about his experiece, Larson simply said, "Eh, I don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon."
"I don't know what happened," Mr. Larson said, "I didn't even make a conscious effort to stay up. It just happened."
Mr. Larson was able to not only stay awake, but also contribute to the discussion on Wilhelm Dilthey's broadening of Hermeneutics. He was also able to make important corrections on his classmates' misconceptions of Heidegger's stance on the practice of Hermeneutics.
"Yeah, my classmates are a bunch of idiots," said Larson. "Maybe that's why I always fall asleep, to avoid the idiocy."
When asked how he felt about his experiece, Larson simply said, "Eh, I don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon."
18 November 2008
Op-Ed: It's So Freaking Cold Outside by James McHugh
Dude, it's fucking freezing outside. Have you even been outside lately? Colder than a witch's titty in a brass brassiere. Damn.
They expect us to go to class in this shit. Woke up this morning and checked weather.com. It was 25 freaking degrees. I have to walk all the way to Flanner. Are you kidding me? I'll die, man. I have to walk across the wind tunnel that is South Quad, it's not even right.
And this snow, man. What the hell is lake effect snow? We're not even that near the lakes. Hell, Chicago is ON the lake and doesn't get as much snow. I call bullshit on the lake effect crap.
The worst part, the absolute worst part is that when the cold comes, I'll never see an attractive female for months, cause here comes the sweatpants and Uggs. Seriously, ladies, it's cold for everyone, do you see us guys trying to pull off the worst fashion combination since Flock of Seagulls haircuts and members only jackets? Didn't think so.
Oh well, only six more months of Winter. I hate this place.
They expect us to go to class in this shit. Woke up this morning and checked weather.com. It was 25 freaking degrees. I have to walk all the way to Flanner. Are you kidding me? I'll die, man. I have to walk across the wind tunnel that is South Quad, it's not even right.
And this snow, man. What the hell is lake effect snow? We're not even that near the lakes. Hell, Chicago is ON the lake and doesn't get as much snow. I call bullshit on the lake effect crap.
The worst part, the absolute worst part is that when the cold comes, I'll never see an attractive female for months, cause here comes the sweatpants and Uggs. Seriously, ladies, it's cold for everyone, do you see us guys trying to pull off the worst fashion combination since Flock of Seagulls haircuts and members only jackets? Didn't think so.
Oh well, only six more months of Winter. I hate this place.
09 September 2008
This Article Contains Words, The Observer Reports
In a show of exhaustive research and tireless reporting, James Heinz of Notre Dame's independent newspaper The Observer is reporting that this article does in fact contain words.
"It was startling to me," Heinz said in an exclusive interview with The Domer after the article's publication, "but it is plain as day and in front of our very eyes. I wondered how it took so long for us to finally see it."
When asked how long Heinz had been researching for his extensive report, Heinz simply said that this was a career breaker. "I had used so many resources and so much time on this that if it didn't work out, who knows what would have happened. I'd be out of a job that's for sure."
Fortunately, that was not to be for our intrepid reporter. Through a proud smile, Heinz was finally able to say, "Front page of The Observer. Not bad, not bad at all."
"It was startling to me," Heinz said in an exclusive interview with The Domer after the article's publication, "but it is plain as day and in front of our very eyes. I wondered how it took so long for us to finally see it."
When asked how long Heinz had been researching for his extensive report, Heinz simply said that this was a career breaker. "I had used so many resources and so much time on this that if it didn't work out, who knows what would have happened. I'd be out of a job that's for sure."
Fortunately, that was not to be for our intrepid reporter. Through a proud smile, Heinz was finally able to say, "Front page of The Observer. Not bad, not bad at all."
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