This Article Contains Words, The Observer Reports

In a show of exhaustive research and tireless reporting, James Heinz of Notre Dame's independent newspaper The Observer is reporting that this article does in fact contain words.

"It was startling to me," Heinz said in an exclusive interview with The Domer after the article's publication, "but it is plain as day and in front of our very eyes. I wondered how it took so long for us to finally see it."

When asked how long Heinz had been researching for his extensive report, Heinz simply said that this was a career breaker. "I had used so many resources and so much time on this that if it didn't work out, who knows what would have happened. I'd be out of a job that's for sure."

Fortunately, that was not to be for our intrepid reporter. Through a proud smile, Heinz was finally able to say, "Front page of The Observer. Not bad, not bad at all."

Freshman Does Cheers Improperly

All was not well at yesterday’s rousing victory over San Diego State. Freshman Cody Banks, a Baltimore native and St. Edward’s Hall resident, messed up on several cheers. Witnesses say the most blatant mistakes were seen during the “Celtic Chant.” Fellow section member Anna Naylor noted that “the dude couldn’t get it straight. You always end with your right arm in the air. How hard is that to remember?” Banks also slipped up on the “Rakes of Mallow” dance and that one where you say “Suck it.” He plans to sit out the Michigan game this coming weekend so that he can practice his form from the privacy of his dorm room.

Line Rage Manifests as Congestion in Dining Halls Increase

Line rage has become an increasing threat upon visits to either of the two dining halls as congestion has gone up the first two weeks of classes. Just yesterday, as many as 7 incidents were unofficially reported to The Domer.

"I saw some guy just bulldoze through the line just to get some chicken wings," said Angelina Duffy of Lewis Hall. "Of course no one stood up to him, this is Notre Dame."

"Yeah, I fucking cut line all the time. At Subway, at Reckers, at the dining hall," revealed a source who wished to stay anonymous, "no one does shit around here. Welcome to the real world, bitches."

Unless congestion in the dining halls is somehow improved, especially at peak hours, it seems the incidents will only increase in number and severity. "I just don't understand it," said Ms. Duffy, "I totally don't mind waiting 30 minutes for some flank steak."