Weis' Contract Buyout Requires Too Much Gravy

Gravy is not an uncommon term for money, but imagine the surprise of the lawyers of the University of Notre Dame when they found out that Charlie Weis' coaching contract called for $10 million in actual gravy.

"We though he was just being funny," said Abe Steinberger, a representative of the university's lawyers, "you know, one of his 'New Jerseyisms. Turns out, he actually wanted gravy."

After Notre Dame football's disappointing 6-6 showing this season, the University seriously looked at options for letting Weis go. They came across this contract term when assessing the financial possiblities for a buyout of Weis' contract.

"Turns out he actually wanted gravy. Pork gravy, white gravy, red eye gravy, it doesn't matter. He wants $10 million of it," said Steinberger. "He's a clever guy. We have the money, but there's no way we can get all that gravy to him at once. You can be sure we won't let this one get past us again."

Weis was unavailable for comment.

Syracuse Defeats Notre Dame, 24-23

No, really.

Senior Stays Awake in Philosophy Class for the First Time All Semester

Brian Larson, a senior living off campus, stayed awake for an entire Philosophy class period for the first time this semester. The course, Hermeneutics and Literary Theory, has been able to put Mr. Larson to sleep within 10 minutes for the entire semester.

"I don't know what happened," Mr. Larson said, "I didn't even make a conscious effort to stay up. It just happened."

Mr. Larson was able to not only stay awake, but also contribute to the discussion on Wilhelm Dilthey's broadening of Hermeneutics. He was also able to make important corrections on his classmates' misconceptions of Heidegger's stance on the practice of Hermeneutics.

"Yeah, my classmates are a bunch of idiots," said Larson. "Maybe that's why I always fall asleep, to avoid the idiocy."

When asked how he felt about his experiece, Larson simply said, "Eh, I don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon."

Op-Ed: It's So Freaking Cold Outside by James McHugh

Dude, it's fucking freezing outside. Have you even been outside lately? Colder than a witch's titty in a brass brassiere. Damn.

They expect us to go to class in this shit. Woke up this morning and checked weather.com. It was 25 freaking degrees. I have to walk all the way to Flanner. Are you kidding me? I'll die, man. I have to walk across the wind tunnel that is South Quad, it's not even right.

And this snow, man. What the hell is lake effect snow? We're not even that near the lakes. Hell, Chicago is ON the lake and doesn't get as much snow. I call bullshit on the lake effect crap.

The worst part, the absolute worst part is that when the cold comes, I'll never see an attractive female for months, cause here comes the sweatpants and Uggs. Seriously, ladies, it's cold for everyone, do you see us guys trying to pull off the worst fashion combination since Flock of Seagulls haircuts and members only jackets? Didn't think so.

Oh well, only six more months of Winter. I hate this place.

This Article Contains Words, The Observer Reports

In a show of exhaustive research and tireless reporting, James Heinz of Notre Dame's independent newspaper The Observer is reporting that this article does in fact contain words.

"It was startling to me," Heinz said in an exclusive interview with The Domer after the article's publication, "but it is plain as day and in front of our very eyes. I wondered how it took so long for us to finally see it."

When asked how long Heinz had been researching for his extensive report, Heinz simply said that this was a career breaker. "I had used so many resources and so much time on this that if it didn't work out, who knows what would have happened. I'd be out of a job that's for sure."

Fortunately, that was not to be for our intrepid reporter. Through a proud smile, Heinz was finally able to say, "Front page of The Observer. Not bad, not bad at all."

Freshman Does Cheers Improperly

All was not well at yesterday’s rousing victory over San Diego State. Freshman Cody Banks, a Baltimore native and St. Edward’s Hall resident, messed up on several cheers. Witnesses say the most blatant mistakes were seen during the “Celtic Chant.” Fellow section member Anna Naylor noted that “the dude couldn’t get it straight. You always end with your right arm in the air. How hard is that to remember?” Banks also slipped up on the “Rakes of Mallow” dance and that one where you say “Suck it.” He plans to sit out the Michigan game this coming weekend so that he can practice his form from the privacy of his dorm room.

Line Rage Manifests as Congestion in Dining Halls Increase

Line rage has become an increasing threat upon visits to either of the two dining halls as congestion has gone up the first two weeks of classes. Just yesterday, as many as 7 incidents were unofficially reported to The Domer.

"I saw some guy just bulldoze through the line just to get some chicken wings," said Angelina Duffy of Lewis Hall. "Of course no one stood up to him, this is Notre Dame."

"Yeah, I fucking cut line all the time. At Subway, at Reckers, at the dining hall," revealed a source who wished to stay anonymous, "no one does shit around here. Welcome to the real world, bitches."

Unless congestion in the dining halls is somehow improved, especially at peak hours, it seems the incidents will only increase in number and severity. "I just don't understand it," said Ms. Duffy, "I totally don't mind waiting 30 minutes for some flank steak."