Freshman Gives Wrong Directions to Visitor

Upon being asked for directions to the bookstore for the first time in her college career, Sharon Crawford panicked and gave incorrect directions to a visitor.

"Well, I didn't want to look bad and admit I didn't know, so I pointed that way," said Sharon, pointing in the direction of the Stepan Center. The Stepan Center is on the exact opposite side of campus. "I hope he made it alright."

Despite panicking under the pressure, and refusing to admit fault, Sharon is confident that the next time will not have the same result. "I'm excited," Sharon said. "I'm studying the map just in case."

When asked if she would admit ignorance in the future, Sharon was aghast, "No way! The guy probably thought I was a senior! Don't I look like it?"

Op-Ed: What's Up With These ND Prudes, Bra? (by Brian Dorsett)

Dude, I’m telling you—I wrecked so many chicks in high school. But I got not a lick of poon last weekend. What the hell is wrong with these Notre Dame ice queens?

No joke, I must’ve slain an average of three bitties a month back in high school. I don’t know if they just loved the Bri-meister’s dongle or if it was something in the Cali water, but my pussy magnet is no longer operational.

Case in point. This one girl on Friday was absolutely tanked, and she said she wanted to come back to good ol’ 126 Sorin to look at my DVD collection. I know, right? That’s code for “Do me.” But no. She saw my copy of The Life Aquatic and started talking about how much she loved Wes Anderson. She bolted at midnight and said we should meet for dinner at SDH some time. What the fuck?! I was expecting at least a beej.

The Huddle might as well have a two-for-one deal on Jergens and Kleenex. God, I can’t wait ‘til fall break.

Domer Offices Attacked By Wild Echidna

In an unforeseen and near-deadly incident, the offices of The Domer were attacked by a wild echidna last Friday. The echidna, along with the platypus, is a monotreme, that is, a mammal that lays eggs.

"Um, well, I don't even know what to say about it," says Smith Evans, Animal Exterminator, "I've never seen one of these in my life, and here it was just chawin on some computer cable."

"I was running for my life when I saw that thing," says Jim Sluggo, a Domer intern, "fuck all if I knew it was, it was spiny and waddling my way. They don't pay me enough for this shit."

While the echidna threat was being eradicated, the offices of The Domer were shut down.

"They destroyed a lot of drafts and material," says Sluggo, "but we should be up and running on a regular schedule now that the building is open. Excuse me, Mr. Digital wants his Natty."

Bands Announced for The Show 2008

The Show committee for 2008 has announced the bands for this year's annual concert: washed up pop-punk band Good Charlotte and random hip-hop duo The Cool Kids. According to an email, The Show committee "strongly believes this is one of the best line-ups in the history of The Show". Hard to believe since Good Charlotte does not have a hit YouTube video.

Jeanine Chen, spokesperson for The Show committee, believes bringing Good Charlotte is a step forward from bringing a band like Third Eye Blind to Notre Dame, "Hey, at least they've had a hit in the last decade."

As for The Cool Kids, "Who? Oh yeah, well, I'm pretty sure we could slip in Thelonious Monk as a hip-hop act and no one would notice."

Student Decides to Attend University

After taking an unscheduled week of classes off, Keith Straka, a resident of Alumni Hall, has decided to attend the University once again.

"Well, I didn't go to class for a week, but I woke up Monday and decided that I would try the going to college thing once again," said Keith when questioned about his decision.

Keith spent the week off catching up on his Netflix backlog, watching tv, and sleeping. "There were a few days in there where I didn't leave my room," said Keith. "It felt empowering to make that kind of decision."

His roommate, Steven Henry, was less supportive of his decision. "I appreciate what he did," he said, "but I'm glad he's finally fucking leaving the room. It's my turn to sit around bare-assed all day watching Dirty Sexy Money."

Man Swears Off Alcohol, Recants

This past weekend, off-campus senior Craig Spitz vowed to never drink again. His oath was made after a particularly heinous night of drinking, in which he says he must have had “like, at least 40 beers and a shitload of jungle juice. Oh, and like a half a handle of Jager.”

Friday night, Spitz was seen breaking his promise. He has plans to do it again on Saturday.

Student Group Proposing Alternative to Burger King

For the first time, an organized effort is being formed to get Burger King off the Notre Dame campus. The student group, as yet unofficially named but calling themselves Patriots Against Burger King, have arranged a series of protests against the fast food giant.

"We feel Burger King promotes a monarchical agenda that is against the democratic ideals of this great nation of ours," says Peter Jenkins, chief organizer and leader of the group. "There are plenty of other suitable fast food chains that could find a place here at Notre Dame."

Amidst shouts of "Stopper the Whopper!" and "BK, no way!", Peter quieted the crowd to speak of a time when the world of fast food would not be bowing under the "authoritative power of the Burger Kings of the world."

Shortly after the protest, the group held a vote, in accordance to their democratic principles, for a viable replacement for Notre Dame's Burger King franchise.

"The winner was Dairy Queen, followed closely by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles," revealed Peter.

Breen-Phillips Girl Loves This Song

Last night at popular Notre Dame hangout Club 23, Breen-Phillips resident Molly Dougherty proclaimed her love for rapping sensation M.I.A.’s smash hit “Paper Planes.”

Witnesses say that upon hearing the familiar opening chords of the tune, Dougherty vaulted herself onto the nearest chair and screamed, “Whoo! Oh em gee, I freaking love this song!” She then proceeded to dance wildly, almost tipping the chair over several times.

Fellow bar patron Mitch Sandusky raised his doubts as to whether Dougherty actually loved the song. “She barely even knew the words,” he told reporters. “She seemed more into pantomiming the gunshots and cash register than singing the actual lyrics.”

Dougherty was similarly enthusiastic about several more songs throughout the night, including Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and “Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body),” by Three Six Mafia.

Fisher Roommates Struggle to Fit 30th Beer in Fridge

Fresh from a mid-afternoon beer run, the residents of a quad in Fisher Hall found themselves in a conundrum: fitting all 30 beers of the case in their fridge.

"Usually we have no problem with this," said Nick Mills, one of the roommates, "but Tyler won't get rid of his Port Wine cheese. Now we got one beer left out, and it's getting warm."

"I told them 'You better not throw that Port Wine cheese away, I'm savoring that shit'," said Tyler Manion. "I saw them eyeing the trash can. All for an f-ing Keystone."

The conflict only grew from there. Tyler positioned himself between his roommates and the fridge.

"I told them they better step away from the fridge because my cheese wasn't going anywhere," Tyler explained. "I don't care what they did with that can of shitty beer, they weren't touching my stuff."

"Don't know why he was being so tough," said Dan Perdue, another roommate, "but that's Tyler, always the T Guy."

Finally, Anthony Sosebee, the fourth roommate, awoken by the commotion, offered his solution.

"I just took the beer and pounded that sh-," he stated simply. "Then I went back to sleep 'fore I got real pissed off."

Op-Ed: Guess Who Broke Parietals Last Night? (by Zack Schubert)

That’s right. This guy. Pound it. Pound it, scro. Pound that shit. Come on, you gotta pound it and explode. Boom! Haha. Ah, my dick. I can barely walk. Coming down the stairs was like fucking torture. Haha, fucking torture. Ow.

I’m sure you faggots want all the gory details, right? Sorry, I don’t kiss and tell. SIKE! I don’t see any gentlemen around here, do you?

You know that chick that I’ve been Facebook stalking for like a month now? The ginger from St. Mary’s? Yeah, that’s right. I threw my shit up in a firecrotch. Laid a pole in that flaming snatch. I can’t be too sure, but I may have even taken her V-card.

It went down like this. First, she slobbed on my knob for like, must’ve been about an hour. Then I fingerblasted her until she was ready to burst. Tried to bust out the shocker, but she wasn’t having it. I’m thinking, “What a prude," right? Wrong, motherfuckers.

I put on some love-making music. No, fuck Barry Manilow. We got it on to the sweet melodies of O.A.R. It was a crazy game of poke her, hahaha! No, dude, I thought of that just now. Off the top of the dome, I swear.

She was DTF, let me tell you. This trick didn’t even want to climb the ladder up to my bed. So we started banging on the carpet…rug burn like whoah. Yadda, yadda, yadda…fast forward to about four hours later, when I nutted all over her freckly face.

Basically, I’m Ron Jeremy, sans the mullet. Yeah, pound it. Pound it and explode. BOOM!

Hey, if you guys are ordering Jimmy John’s, I want a number four. I’m gonna go put some Neosporin on my shaft.

Food Services Staying Cool Under Heist Threat

Steve Conlon, Director of Food Services, is keeping his cool despite receiving rumor of a "huge heist" being planned to hit South Dining Hall in the coming weeks.

"I received a note in my mailbox bringing my attention to the matter," said Mr. Conlon. "Frankly, I'm not worried. It's not the first time students got some big ideas about what they were going to steal from the dining hall."

Among other things, the anonymous note informed, "Bro, I herd [sic] some dudes in the hall talking about how they were planning to take, like a whole table and sh-, maybe like the frozen yogurt machine. Oh yeah, and definitely one of those slushie machines. There were really hyped up about that slushie machine, so u [sic] should probably put something to like weigh them down or like lazer [sic] alarms or somethin [sic]."

The note continued on for three pages detailing the writer's conjecture on how the heist would occur, and other minute details of his night.

A spokesman for NDSP said that there are currently no plans for the installation of a laser alarm system in any of the dining halls, "I think the card swipers are enough of a deterrence, don't you?"

Junior Entertains Idea of Blogging

For the past week or so, third-year architecture major Raymond Cooper, known to his friends as Ray, has been seriously mulling over the idea of starting a personal blog.

“I guess I just feel like I need some kind of creative outlet, you know? I figure I’ll post links to YouTube videos and write little amusing anecdotes and stuff. Crazy stuff is always happening to me,” he said. His real motivation, though, is that he thinks his friends “will get a kick out of it.”

Ray noted that he already owns a domain name, which he purchased from GoDaddy back in December. “I wanted www.thecoopster.com, but it was already taken, so I went with thecoopster.net. Haven’t really done anything with it yet, but it only cost me like ten bones, so no biggie.”

The main hurdle Ray aims to overcome is his lack of experience with web design and coding. He has given some thought to using Tumblr ®, a popular blogging service, but says that he wants his website to stand out. “I want it look really Web 2.0,” he said. “Some cool gradients and reflections and stuff. Some word art. Maybe my own logo, who knows. The sky is the limit.”

Ray proposed a possible solution to his dilemma: “My buddy Anfernee’s roomie is an IT major, and I think he knows how to do that kind of stuff, so I might ask him to do it for me. I don’t really know him that well, though, so I might wind up just going the Tumblr route. We’ll see.”

At the time of this article’s publishing, thecoopster.net still displayed a server error.

Students Return from Abroad, Immediately Complain

There just may be a reason you’ve been hearing more griping than usual around campus this time of year. It’s the beginning of Fall semester, and all those students who were abroad for the Summer and Spring are back, and immediately complaining.

“It’s not that everything is better in Europe,” Beth Jones of Farley Hall said, “but it just is. You just haven’t had Starbucks until you have it in London.”

Bill Chen of Knott Hall agrees. “Australia is like an entirely different country. It’s like it’s not even in the same hemisphere. You have no idea, you just had to be there.”

Bill’s roommate, Steve Dalton, who attended a program in Italy, offered, “I was able to make it up to Paris, and they really did have the Royale with Cheese. It was the exactly the same as the Quarter Pounder, but the name makes it so much better. I can never eat at an American McDonald’s again. Oh yeah, and the weather here sucks.”

Keenan Frosh Debate the Merits of Several Low-End Beers

They’re already calling it the Great Debate of 2008. Last night in the Keenan Hall second floor common room, several freshmen stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, snacking on slightly undercooked pizza from the Keenan Kitchen and arguing about which cheap beer reigns supreme.

Peoria native Christian Dorsey says he thinks the argument started when one freshman proclaimed that a cold Natural Light would “go great with this pepperoni and sausage ‘za, bros.” Several of his underage friends disagreed, stating that drinking Natty was comparable to imbibing the week-old urine of a rabid canine.

Second floor inhabitant Marquis Henderson recounts how the argument escalated: “I’m pretty sure it was my bro Teddy who said he’d take a Beast over a Natty any day. Then this sophomore from the third floor called us ‘stupid freshmen’ and said something about going up to his room to drink some Heinekens and watch COPS. He seemed like kind of a douche.”

After the brief interruption, the debate raged on for several more hours. Busch Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Keystone were all brought into the mix. The freshmen were ultimately unable to reach a consensus.

Notre Dame Sophomore Visits South Bend

For the first time in his nearly two years of attendance at Notre Dame, Mike Bowers, a sophomore from Alumni Hall, went into South Bend. “It’s actually not that bad.”

Mike said that his visit consisted of taking the Transpo into downtown, visiting a newsstand, window shopping, and finding food at a delicious, cheap restaurant. “People always complain about how Notre Dame is in a terrible location and how South Bend is terrible. There are actually things to do here. It’s a pretty shocking revelation.”

“I don’t believe it,” said John Stewart, Mike’s hallmate and friend. “This place is boring and there’s nothing to do. And the weather still sucks.” When asked if he would one day make a visit to South Bend to see for himself, John simply said, “ There’s as much chance of that as me going up to North Quad: none.”

Sophomore Overheard Making Vaguely Racist Remark

Yesterday in the basement of the LaFortune Student Center, sophomore Joey Morland jokingly referred to African Americans as "colored folk." There were no repercussions.

Said Joey's roommate Arnold West of the incident, "Yeah, I don't think he was too worried about a negro overhearing him."

Minorities account for approximately 17 percent of the Notre Dame undergraduate population.

Rudy No Longer University’s Favorite Movie

Rudy, based on the classic true Notre Dame football story, has stood proudly atop students’ favorite movie lists for more than a decade, but no more, according to a recent poll. The film has ruled the annual survey since its release in 1993.

“Well, I just recently watched it again, and it’s really not that good,” said Shannon Schultz of Pangborn Hall, on why she dropped Rudy from the top of her list. “It’s just really clichéd and predictable. I mean, I know exactly what happens in it, and I’ve only seen it 43 times.” Other student sentiment appears to be the same.

“When stripped of the Notre Dame setting, and the incredible true story, and the magnificent soundtrack, and the memorable actors, and the subsequent cultural impact, it’s really just your average run-of-the-mill sports movie,” said Chad Neumeier, a Dillon Hall resident. “Also, I’m just really tired of crying every time he makes that stupid sack.”

Perennial runner-up Lethal Weapon 3, starring Danny Glover and Mel Gibson, has taken the top spot.