12 August 2008

Food Services Staying Cool Under Heist Threat

Steve Conlon, Director of Food Services, is keeping his cool despite receiving rumor of a "huge heist" being planned to hit South Dining Hall in the coming weeks.

"I received a note in my mailbox bringing my attention to the matter," said Mr. Conlon. "Frankly, I'm not worried. It's not the first time students got some big ideas about what they were going to steal from the dining hall."

Among other things, the anonymous note informed, "Bro, I herd [sic] some dudes in the hall talking about how they were planning to take, like a whole table and sh-, maybe like the frozen yogurt machine. Oh yeah, and definitely one of those slushie machines. There were really hyped up about that slushie machine, so u [sic] should probably put something to like weigh them down or like lazer [sic] alarms or somethin [sic]."

The note continued on for three pages detailing the writer's conjecture on how the heist would occur, and other minute details of his night.

A spokesman for NDSP said that there are currently no plans for the installation of a laser alarm system in any of the dining halls, "I think the card swipers are enough of a deterrence, don't you?"

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